One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
