Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
