fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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