I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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