it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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