i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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