Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
