Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
