Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
