I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
