sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
