after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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