final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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