Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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