Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
