i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
