The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
