Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
