5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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