think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Randomize
