So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
