just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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