So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
