for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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