1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
