Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
