my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
