Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
