if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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