I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
