oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
