I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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