I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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