Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
