Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
