At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
