like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
