I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Randomize
