i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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