i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket