His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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