I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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