I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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