Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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