Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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