I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
