it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
