i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
