after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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