hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
