I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
