Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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