He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
