You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
