I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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