just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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