i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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