Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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